Pablo Escobar’s Hippos Gunned Down

It turns out that Colombians didn’t like my idea to turn their country into a hippo reserve (see this blog post). Instead, they’ve decided to kill all the hippos that are currently on the loose there. Well, there are only three, but Colombia’s environmental agency ordered them killed anyway. Last Friday, Colombian citizens were shocked at television footage of a bull hippo’s carcass with hunters proudly standing nearby. One down, two to go. Will anyone have the gumption to slaughter the cow and calf?

Colombia’s environmental agency ordered the animals killed because they were carriers of disease and posed a risk to local communities. Huh? What disease could you possibly catch from a hippo? Maybe a sickness where you sweat blood and your skin turns gray and you get all fat and puffy. And then you get all grumpy and your teeth get long and you stay in the bathtub all day long and charge at people who come in to use the toilet. And what risk could three little hippos pose? Nobody had even seen them for two years! Okay, so maybe they might have trampled a cocaine tree here or there but that’s not such a big deal.

And what’s up with the hunters dressed in camouflage? Do you really need to wear camouflage to stalk a hippo? I’ve never actually tried to do this, but I’m pretty sure I could just walk up to a hippo and shoot it, without wearing any special clothing. I could probably wear my new hot pink capri pants with my brightly-patterned peasant shirt, sunglasses, and maybe some sandals, and walk right up to the river in broad daylight where that hippo is quietly snoozing away the mid-day sun and he wouldn’t even notice me.

It was also reported that animal rights groups denounced the killing. Well, of course they did. Animal rights groups are really into denouncing things. I denounce the killings, also. But who is really down there doing something about this problem? Besides the hunters, I mean. Not the animal rights groups.

One of the articles I read reported that “after the world-wide attention generated by the death of one of the adult hippos, zoos showed interest to house the animals.” Hmm, that is a great way to get attention! Start shooting the hippos and then other countries will suddenly wake up and fix the problem. Good thinking, Colombia!

Lastly, my favorite opening line from one of the articles: “Drug lord Pablo Escobar’s hippo died the same way he did, hunted down and shot by the authorities for posing a danger to the public.” Wow, how sensationalistic! Reminds me of that film about Dillinger that just came out starting Johnny Depp. I can just see the hippo now: stalking the rivers of Colombia, dark sunglasses covering his bulgy eyes, a trench coat stretched around his middle, maybe a fedora cocked over one eye to hide his face.

Read more:
Drug lord’s escaped hippo sighted in Colombia
Cocaine king’s hippo gunned down in Colombia
Wanted: Late Colombian drug lord’s escaped hippos
Hunt for Escobar’s hippos suspended